Navigating Relationship OCD: What If They Aren’t “The One”?
Love is a Fairy Tale… Right?
Soulmate. “The One.” A perfect match.
These are the words we often hear when people talk about love—this idea that the right partner will complete us, check every box, and make life feel effortless. If you've found your true love, everything just clicks, right?
But… is that what your relationship looks like?
Yeah. Me neither. And I’m happily married.
Wait—doesn’t love mean butterflies? Instant clarity? A magical, cosmic “you just know”? That’s the narrative so many of us grew up with—thanks, Disney. Picture-perfect couples riding off into the sunset, complete and whole because of each other.
But real relationships?
They’re complex.
They’re a mix of connection, struggle, devotion, miscommunication, strength, frustration, joy, vulnerability, and growth.
They’re also deeply human.
There are over 8 billion people on this planet. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one person—one relationship—to be your everything.
And if you’re someone with anxiety, that pressure can spiral into a loop of obsessive doubt.
What if they’re not the right person?
What if there’s someone better?
Understanding Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (compulsions) meant to neutralize the distress these thoughts create.
ROCD, a lesser-known subtype of OCD, centers around doubts in your romantic relationship—often targeting the thing you care about most.
You might experience thoughts like:
Do I really love my partner?
Are we truly compatible?
What if there’s someone out there better for me?
Why don’t I feel “in love” all the time?
Why do I sometimes think about my ex?
To cope with the discomfort these thoughts bring, you may find yourself:
Constantly asking others for reassurance ("Do we seem like a good couple?")
Comparing your relationship to others—or your past ones
“Checking in” on your feelings daily (“Do I feel in love right now?”)
Researching relationship advice or compatibility signs
Mentally reviewing every moment for evidence that you’re in the “right” relationship
This is the OCD cycle in action:
Obsessive thought → Anxiety → Compulsion → Temporary relief
(And then… back to the beginning.)
ROCD doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means your brain is desperately trying to eliminate doubt—because to OCD, uncertainty feels dangerous.
Why Do I Feel Stuck?
OCD thrives on the illusion of certainty. It demands answers:
“Prove this is the right person.”
“Guarantee that this will work out.”
But life offers very few certainties. Think about it: how many things in your life are you 100% sure of?
So here’s the trap:
You feel anxious → You seek relief (reassurance, research, etc.) → You feel better—for a moment
But the doubt always returns, often stronger than before. So you repeat the cycle, hoping this time you’ll finally get clarity. Spoiler alert: you won’t. Not that way.
And the more you chase certainty, the more power you give anxiety. You start to believe that:
Anxiety is dangerous
Doubt means something is wrong
You can’t trust yourself
You can’t cope unless you have answers
That’s how OCD keeps you stuck.
So… What Can I Do?
Here’s the twist:
You stop trying to be sure.
You learn to live without certainty.
Sounds terrible? Yeah—it can be.
But also? It’s freeing.
When you stop trying to prove your relationship is “right,” you stop feeding the OCD cycle. You stop reinforcing the belief that doubt = danger.
The most effective therapy for OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a specific focus on Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). ERP helps you gradually face the anxiety and resist the urge to do compulsions. Over time, the anxiety loses its grip.
You might also work with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which helps you:
Accept the presence of anxiety
Create distance from your thoughts (“I’m having the thought that…”)
Choose actions aligned with your values, even when it’s uncomfortable
You begin to realize:
Not all thoughts are important.
Not all thoughts are true.
You can choose which ones to believe.
And in doing so, you take back control—not by forcing answers, but by trusting yourself to move forward even when you're unsure.
Final Thoughts
Letting go of the need for certainty isn’t giving up. It’s choosing to live fully despite the unknown.
The question “What if it doesn’t work out?” becomes:
“It might work out—and it might not. And either way, I will be okay.”
That’s real love.
Not the absence of doubt, but the willingness to stay present through it.
Not perfection, but choice.
Not fantasy, but courage.
You’re back in the driver’s seat now.
You get to decide how to move forward—with your values, not your fears.
-Rebecca Lukomski, LPC, OCD/Anxiety Therapist
Sound familar? I can help.
Learn more about Rebecca’s services: https://www.balancedcollective.co/lukomski
Schedule a Free Consult or Contact Rebecca today.
People first. Values always.
